I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
