While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
