I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
