i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
