I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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