I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
