sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
