I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This is my life. Enjoy the view
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
