Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
