my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
