No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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