This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
