Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my being single is dangerous.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
