Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
