Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The beer is more important than you right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
