Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
