I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
