my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
