get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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