I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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