yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
