i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.