Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ