Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?