Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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