Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
