Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
