Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
