I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
