The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
