New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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