OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
