yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
