apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
All the doctor said was why
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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