Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
