I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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