were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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