So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
