I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
