why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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