All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
