Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
