Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
