remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
