wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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