there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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