whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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