I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
