she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
