you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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