I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
