Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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