I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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