just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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