I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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