You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
