i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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