Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
