News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
