cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
