'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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